What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?
Narcissistic personality disorder is a personality disorder that is characterised by arrogance, impulsivity, defensiveness, and a deep need for external validation.
While many people possess some traits of narcissism, only about 6% of the population has a diagnosis of NPD. Most people are on the spectrum and may have only some or at least less intense traits. So not everyone displaying narcissistic traits has full blown NPD.
People with narcissism often struggle with a lack of empathy which can cause interpersonal difficulties. At the extreme end of the spectrum, some narcissists use, exploit, or even abuse others to get what they want through manipulation tactics, gaslighting and emotional abuse.
According to the DSM-5 classification scale, the symptoms of NPD include:
- A sense of grandiosity or excessive self-importance
- Recurrent fantasies of being powerful, successful, beautiful, or important
- Beliefs of being special and exceptional (and seeking out people of similar or higher ‘status’ or ‘importance’ as them)
- Excessive need for validation, praise, and admiration from others
- A sense of entitlement or feeling like they deserve special treatment
- Exploiting others for personal gain or selfish reasons
- Unable or unwilling to identify with the needs of others (empathy)
- Being envious of others or believing others are envious of them
- Arrogant or haughty behaviour, and acting better than others.
Being in relationship with a person with strong narcissistic traits is very challenging, and this could be with a parent, with a child, friend or colleague, or in a romantic relationship.
Within families / marriages it is particularly hard as you can’t easily walk away from the person concerned, and there are real struggles to understand what is going on in the relationship dynamic.
Often it leads to the other person feeling “its my fault” the narcissist is unhappy, and you may feel personal shame and develop feelings of low self worth, as you are blamed for things that are not your fault, or are made to feel you are not “good enough”.
Living with a regular barrage of criticism, and gaslighting ( a repetitive pattern of doubting and undermining someone’s sanity, behaviour or judgment ) has a long term effect of eroding your own sense of self and self-belief. It is done to gain power and control over the other person, in a gradual and hard to define way. It is a confusing and at times impossible relationship to sustain.
IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING WITH A NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP here are a few ways of better managing the situation, and phrases that could be used to disarm the narcissist:
1. “Your Anger Is Not My Responsibility”
This resets the playing field so that they cannot make you a source of their narcissist supply to soothe their emotions. To add, this statement is very grounding and draws a very clear boundary of what you will and will not be responsible for.
2. “I Can’t Control How You Feel About Me”
This sets the precedent that their emotions are their responsibility and that their reaction won’t change your behaviour. This statement also reinforces that you only have control over yourself and others have control over themselves, and you will not be made to feel responsible for their emotions.
3. “I Hear What You’re Saying”
This allows the narcissist to feel heard, which might be all you want to say if you want to de-escalate and not further discuss the point of contention. This statement may be one of the fastest ways to de-escalate a narcissist because feeling heard is a common desire everyone has. While you may not agree with what the narcissist is saying, simply stating you hear what is being said can be enough in the moment.
4. “I’m Sorry You Feel That Way”
You can feel sorry for someone else without being sorry about your boundaries, which is important when arguing with a narcissist. This makes the narcissist responsible for their emotions while potentially helping them be heard so they don’t further escalate an issue.
5. “Everything Is Okay”
This helps to make it clear to the narcissist that this will pass and they are ok or going to be ok. Given that narcissists have no self-awareness, it’s likely they cannot reconcile high conflict or intense emotions. Saying things will be ok gives them the reassurance and/or validation they don’t know they need.
6. “We Both Have a Right to Our Own Opinions”
This makes it clear that they can have their opinion, and making sure it’s clear that you know their words are opinions, and not facts. Narcissists will want to feel superior and be in control of the conversation, but stating this makes it clear that you won’t allow that to happen but you can respect that they are going to have their own opinions as well.
7. “I Can Accept How You Feel”
Don’t fight a narcissist when you disagree with them because you won’t convince them or change their mind. Simply saying that you accept their opinion or how they feel without fighting back cuts off their supply.
8. “I Am not Going to Argue Anymore”
Very clear message that you will not continue to engage in an unproductive fight. Again, for this to work it’s important you stand your ground and walk away.
9. “I Understand”
This makes it clear that you are indeed understanding what they are saying. You are not stating that you agree, but that you understand. Narcissists have a deep need to feel understood and heard and seen, so stating you are understanding will help a narcissist feel less agitated.
10. “We Can Agree to Disagree”
Like a few other phrases, for this to work, it’s important you double down on this and don’t feed into the temptation to engage in an argument. You may feel like you want to prove or convince the narcissist of something, but that will not work. Simply agreeing to disagree gives the narcissist the knowledge that their opinions and perspective was heard, but that you have your own opinions.
11. ”I Want to Share how I Feel”
Using “I” statements is always best, as it keeps blame off others and makes you the owner of how you feel. Sharing how you feel can humanise the interaction, and though the narcissist may not care, it’s possible they will ease off if they feel you are interpreting yourself as a victim. They will likely then try to use tactics to portray themselves as a victim, in which case the anger will likely dissipate and de-escalation will be made easier.
12. “Can We Aim to be Respectful in our Conversation?”
This phrase used as a question is more rhetorical, but when used literally, it can level the conversation so it is not so emotionally charged.
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